Dear ,

Part of my job as a high-performance coach is to help you see what you can’t see. You can’t read the label from inside the jar. When I hear my clients complain about their partners and spouses, I help them see things from a different perspective and that often helps them take ownership of how they are showing up in the relationship as well.

People who seem to have great relationships on the outside are actually struggling behind closed doors. It’s not that uncommon. If this is the case for you, let me share a few things you can do to improve your relationships and it’s intimacy.

1) Praise Your Partner

What do you think your partner is really good at? Have you told them in the last 30 days? When was the last time you praised your partner? Research shows that couples who praise each other stay together 5 times longer.

Set aside one time a week to praise your partner. Make an activity out of it. Tell your partner 3-5 things that they are really good at. Ask them to tell you 3-5 things you are really good at. The more you do this, the more your relationship grows.

2) Request not Protest

Are you protesting or requesting? What do you wish changed in your relationships for the positive? What is a hopeful change that you would have for them? A change that would be good for THEM, not for YOU.

Far too often, we request our partners to change something that annoys us. That’s for your benefit, not theirs. What’s a positive change you would like for them?  More sleep? Better health? Less self-criticism?

Remember, your partner’s timeline for growth is different from yours. Just because you stopped eating Doritos, don’t start judging your partner for still eating them. Remember, you were eating them together not long ago, so don’t be mad at them for not changing at the same pace as you. When you expect them to be exactly like you, that’s judgment.

You want to be living in the good things change, not the criticism and pet peeve change.

3) Your Partner is Not Responsible for Your Growth

It’s not your partner’s job to act as your therapist and heal your triggers. You need to own and heal your own stuff. Your emotions and feelings are not your partner’s obligation. They are not your accountability partner.

When you expect or demand these things from your partner, their bitterness for you grows and that blocks intimacy. Your partner is not here to serve your needs. Their compliance is not the path to intimacy.

You being bitter about them not serving your timeline of expectations is blockade to intimacy. They are not your servant. You don’t want to be demanding.

Be the role model and the example of personal growth and development. Your example will have them want to improve and enrich the quality of their life as well.

Sometimes, you expect too much from your partner. You get to be patient. You get to be kind. You get to be loving. Don’t let bitterness and resentment destroy your intimacy.

Bottom line is that YOU own YOUR life, not THEIRS.

I know what it’s like to grow and change while my husband was not on the same path, and it destroyed our marriage. We worked hard to build a new relationship that took responsibility for our own personal growth and development while respecting the other’s individual journey.

I was full of expectations, judgment, and impatience. I’m not proud of how I showed up back them, and I’m so glad that I got the help and support that helped me see what I couldn’t see on my own.

If you want more insight into how you are showing up in your relationships, here’s your invitation to take the Relationship Style Assessment Quiz. Your results will reveal how you can open up a path to healing, acceptance, change, and intimacy.

Relationships are everything. Platonic, business, family, and intimate. Discovering your relationship style will enhance your life. Take the Assessment Quiz Here.